Mom Material?

Even though Mr. Pandora and I are ttc (trying to conceive), I don't really think I'm the typical maternal type (or stereotypical maternal type, I should say). Like the kind of woman you look at and talk to and just KNOW that someday she'll have a bunch of kids and totally love being a mom. As a kid, I played with Transformers, not baby dolls. I feel awkward when I hold a baby, and I suck at changing diapers. Young kids intimidate me, they see right through people and I'm afraid they'll think I'm weird. I don't think I would put my kid's pics in my forum sig, or a ticker showing how long until their third birthday. I don't browse in baby stores just because. I haven't started decorating the baby's room in my mind or choosing my favourite names or keeping track of where on the planet Brangelina's latest addition is coming from (she's preggers, right?).

My sister has been a great mom from day 1. And I'm not used to looking up to her because she's younger than me. Talk about an inferiority complex.

I'm not particularly looking forward to sleep deprivation, changing poopy diapers (gag), wiping noses and spit-up, a messy house, breaking up sibling fights, going to parent-teacher conferences, helping with homework (especially math, ha ha), taking them to crappy "kid-friendly" movies, being half an hour late for everything because it takes forever to get out of the house, etc., etc. Not to mention the larger issues surrounding raising kids, like stressing out over whether we'll get a daycare spot, arguing with Mr. Pandora about how to answer tricky questions like "is there a God?", trying to prevent my mom from smothering them (seriously), and whatnot.

I've had dozens of dreams where I was responsible for a child or baby, and something terrible happens and I have to rescue her. But in these dreams, the child is not mine. It's either my half-sister (she was born when I was 18) or one of my nephews, or sometimes they're not even related to me. But I'm terrified because I'm responsible for them and if anything happens, it will be my fault. Why haven't I ever had a dream where the child was mine? I always thought that meant something negative about me, maybe.

It makes me feel bad that I can't just think, "Babies, yay!" It makes me think that maybe I'm not "maternal enough." Is it a mistake for someone like me to have a baby?

But then this morning as I was getting ready for work, I suddenly remembered that I had a dream last night that I was lying in bed and next to me was my baby, and I turned on my side to breastfeed her, and she was looking right into my eyes. When I remembered that this morning, the extreme love that I felt in the dream came rushing back, and I realized that is why I'm ttc.