Fug Madness

March Madness? Who cares? I'm Canadian. To me, March is the month when the Leafs make one final desperate, futile attempt to claw their way into the last available playoff spot... and fail miserably.

Luckily, to cheer me up this year, I have Fug Madness over at Go Fug Yourself. The Cher Bracket, Round One. Linday Lohan vs Courtney Peldon, Rhianna vs Sandra Oh, Fergie vs. Brad Pitt and Nelly Furtado vs Paula Abdul.

Lindsay vs. Courtney. A battle for the ages! Given the fact that they display relatively equal levels of fugability, I had to base my vote on which of them more closely resembles a sane human being. In this case the answer is Lindsay. Therefore, Courtney grabs the fug vote. TKO!

At least the stuff Sandra wears looks like it can be found at Barney's. Unlike Rhianna's duds, which allowed her to take the prize away from Sandra simply due to the fact that most of it looks like it was manufactured in a Korean aluminum-shingle factory.

I went against the grain in the Brad/Fergie matchup. Ultimately, I felt this came down to who was trending in which direction. Fergie is trending up; presumably with age comes a bit of fashion maturity. As for Brad, he's over the hump and coming down the other side of the mountain...really effing fast. More and more, he looks like he sleeps in under a bridge and forages for scraps in a makeshift dump on the outskirts of New Orleans. (Maybe Angelina could use a few of those scraps, ya think, Brad??) Therefore, my vote went to Sad Brad.

Again, another very evenly matched pair is submitted for our consideration: Paula and Nelly. I'll admit, I am tempted to vote for Nelly just out of patriotic solidarity. However, putting that aside, I do think my fellow Canadian is working harder for the vote. Paula is invariably sunny and upbeat, even when dressed like a goth kindergartener. On the other hand, Nelly consistently looks like she hates herself for wearing what she does. And that won me over. So do I, Nelly. So do I.

The Bjork Bracket, Round One. Renee Zellweger vs Katie Holmes, Gwen Stefani vs Brittany Murphy, Paris Hilton vs Elisha Cuthbert and Ali Larter vs Kimberly Stewart.

Although the fug compentency of Renee and Katie are roughly equal, Renee takes it for her unredemptive haircut. At least Katie's bob is covet-worthy.

Granted, Gwen is sartorially challenged, but Brittany gets extra points for fugging up her own face. When you're willing to surgically alter your flesh in order to win the fug crown, that level of dedication deserves to be rewarded.

Elisha put in a good efforzzzzzzzz... wha? Oh, sorry. As I was saying, nice try, Elisha. But no one this drab can snatch (what pun?) the fug trophy from Paris; someone who simply oozes fug from her hollow insides through her very oily pores.

Ali's one-note look is indeed snooze-worthy (See Elisha Cuthbert), but Kimberly's desperate aping of starlets whose fugaliciousness is vastly superior to her own gives her the edge in this matchup.

The Charo Bracket, Round One. Chloe Sevigny vs Cameron Diaz, Jessica Simpson vs Phoebe Price, Alicia Keys vs Eva Longoria and Diane Kruger vs Mary-Kate Olsen.

The Chloe/Cameron matchup is undeniably epic. Their fashion crimes are equally heinous. I feel the prize must go to Chloe, though, basically because this hot mess of a pale, limp blonde is constantly being held up as the fashionista of the decade, yet I can see absolutely no evidence as to why. This is a protest against every fashion rag that tells me this washed-out, mediocre starlette (diminutive intentional) is something to emulate.

Jessica's brain-dead fug to me is more worth a vote than Phoebe's desperate attention-grabbing fug, partly because desperation is a turn-off and partly because WHO THE HELL IS PHOEBE PRICE? Seriously. I cannot understand why the public is subjected to this woman as though she has actually done anything noteworthy. Not that anything Jessica has done is worthy, but at least she's NOTEworthy.

Alicia and Eva...that's a hard one. But I think it comes down to the fact that Alicia does less with more, while Eva simply does less with less. Frankly, doing less with less is what the rest of us non-famous people do. Alicia has more hot bod to work with, which she disappointingly squanders at every turn. Shame on you, Alicia! But you got the vote, yay!

Diane puts up a good fight (yeah, what the hell IS that thing??), but Mary-Kate manages to look not only consistently deranged, but consistently homeless. There is no reason why a bajillionaire like MK should look like she spends her nights at the Salvation Army shelter and shops at their donation warehouse during the day. And would it kill her to invest in a comb?

The Madonna Bracket, Round One. Jennifer Lopez vs Natalie Portman, Helena Bonham Carter vs Kelly Osbourne, Beyonce vs Kylie Minogue and Jennifer Connelly vs Lucy Liu.

Natalie's major fug offence seems to be making herself look 50 years older than she actually is. A heinous crime in someone so naturally lovely if there ever was one. JLo, on the other hand, constantly looks like a 50yo trying to look like a 20-something hipster. Also a crime, and one perpetrated far more consistently and aggressively by La Lopez. She takes it, hands down.

Kelly gives the impression of a young girl uncomfortable with puberty. Perhaps, one thinks, all Kelly needs is some maternal guidance to help her harness her boobs and settle on a non-synthetic hairdo. Helena has no such excuse, however. That lady is plain bat-sh*t crazy. And crazy always crushes awkward.

Kylie and Beyonce are well-matched. But the play goes Beyonce for sheer retina-burning intensity of fug.

Comparing Lucy and Jennifer smacks a little of apples and oranges (mmm... yummy!). In the end, though, I feel the fact that Lucy chooses to dress as psychotically off the set as on is more sartorially offensive than Jennifer's more hum-drum flavour of fashion vicimization.