Last Saturday, I took Stan around with me as I did my Xmas shopping. I was on a mission not only to show Stan the sights, but to finish all the fucking Xmas shopping that day come hell or high water.
We start out in my own neighbourhood of Queen and Bathurst. At the end of my street is Come as You Are, a women's sex shop. Much to my surprise, Stan wants his picture taken there. Naughty, naughty Stan! I never would have guessed!
Further along Queen, Stan stops to have his photo taken in front of my favourite yarn store as a shout-out to the Ravelry bitches.
After picking up a gift for my niece at a kiddie clothing store, we turn the other way and head for the Eaton Centre. On the way, we pass the Condom Shack, where Stan thinks it would be great to have another picture taken. I think he's secretly fascinated with the high concentration of sex shops in my neighbourhood. I guess he didn't realize that Toronto is full of whores. You learn something new every day, Stan!
In our defense, there is very little to do during a Canadian winter but have sex. And it's winter 8 months of the year. Yeah, we like to get laid.
It is hella cold today, BTW. Wind chill like you wouldn't believe! By this time, we are both friggin freezing our asses off. Me literally, because I stupidly wore a thong under my jeans, so my asscheeks are numb. Stan doesn't have asscheeks, though. Anyway, we stopped for a cafe mocha. Stan eats most of that whipped cream, the greedy bastard.
We head out again toward the Eaton Centre, hopped up on caffeine and sugar. (Did I mention I ate a Nutella crepe with that cafe mocha?) As we get near to City Hall, we pass a guy holding forth regarding the recent political shenanigans in Ottawa (see my last blog post!). There's a podium here called "Speakers' Corner." When Canadian nutjobs have something to say, we give them a place to say it, and they use it. See, we Canadians all very civilized, even the nutjobs. Anyway, this guy has a sign claiming that he will be the next prime minister. Stan and I highly doubt it, but he asks me to take a photo anyway, just in case. You never know, right? And if not, hey, Stan has a photo of himself with a bona fide Torontonian nutjob. We love our nutjobs in this town. Since this is Canada, they're mostly harmless and even polite. If you look at the bottom of the photo, you can see that this particular nutjob is even collecting donations for the food bank!
Here's Stan in front of City Hall (as seen in Resident Evil, The Sentinel, Star Trek: TNG and many other fine movies and TV programs). I think we're still allowed to call that thing behind him a "Christmas tree," although some politically correct assholes in City Hall tried to change the name to "Holiday Tree" a couple of years back.
Finally, we made it to the Eaton Centre! Damn, my asscheeks are freezing again! Here's Stan in front of a giant rotating Xmas tree covered with Swarovski crystals. Hey, what's Xmas without excess, eh? Eh? Har har!
We spend 2 hours in the mall buying presents, mostly books because I'm an idiot and apparently I like to haul around 17 lbs of books all day long, duh. OK, I'm too tired to walk to the CN Tower, so we're taking the subway.
Ahhh... at last we can sit for a minute. My dawgs are barkin. How about you, Stan?
We get off the subway and head for the CN Tower, passing through the Air Canada Centre, home of the Toronto Maple Leafs and Toronto Raptors. I have a brilliant idea for another Xmas present, so we stop in at the gift shop. Stan makes 2 new friends. Unfortunately, one of them looks like he wants to eat poor Stan. I rescue him just in time.
We were going to take a picture in front of the ACC, but there's construction going on, so we just keep going to the CN Tower. That's the landmark most people recognize anyway. And here we are!
In case you're wondering what those things are showing through Stan, they're his "bones" (cardboard), which I stuck to him to keep him from flapping in the wind. Did I mention it is fucking windy and cold today?!?!
Since it's right next door, we take a picture of Stan and the Rogers Centre. This used to be called Skydome, but an evil old man bought it and slapped his boring-ass name on it. But the joke's on him, because he died 2 weeks ago. Ha ha! (Too soon?) Anyway, this is where the Toronto Blue Jays play, and the Buffalo Bills hosted a regular-season game here against the Miami Dolphins (shout-out to Florida!) a couple of weeks ago.
Also right next door is one of Toronto's many breweries. Mmm... beeeeerrr... No, Stan, wait until later! He's so bad.
One more shot with the CN Tower for the road. We're practically right underneath it here.
Let's take the streetcar home, Stan. I can't lug these books around any more!!
Who's hungry? Let's go have a beer and some Mexican food at Sneaky Dee's, Toronto's most respectable total dive bar.
The What Faces? Ooo... parental disclaimer!
Stan stole my margarita!
Then he drinks a whole pint of beer. Stan, that beer is almost as tall as you are!!
Uh, he's getting tipsy now.
Oh, STAN! Honestly... some people shouldn't drink. Especially non-Canadians.
At least he does the responsible thing and calls a cab.
And that's Stan's day out in Toronto. I put him in the mail to Winnipeg today. Bye, Stan!
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